What are you afraid of? It’s time to challenge your fears.
Thousands of years ago, fear helped people evade perilous situations, such as being attacked by an enemy or a dangerous animal. In this hostile environment, fear was a beneficial approach, alerting people to impending threats and preparing them to either flee or fight. Today, few of us are at risk of being killed by animals or humans, yet we still experience fear on a regular basis. Unfortunately, our modern-day fears are mostly unhelpful. For example, if social fear prevents you from going to a party, the fear isn’t beneficial – quite the opposite – it’s preventing you from having fun while making some potentially rewarding social connections.
Fear is also drummed into us throughout childhood. When we were young, our well-meaning parents constantly warned us about the risks and hazards of the outside world, teaching us to be on the lookout for potential danger and to do everything possible to remain safe.
Fear is something we all feel, but if we take the time to learn more about our specific fears, we can adopt approaches to minimise them and cope with them.
The big underlying fear:
There are many different fears in the world: fear of death, fear of financial ruin, fear of flying, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of speaking in public, fear of difficult conversations and the general fear of being vulnerable. Some fears depend on circumstances over which we have little or no control, such as fear of flying. Most fears, however, have little to do with the outside world – they come from within! The majority of fears boil down to one, all-encompassing fear: the fear that we won’t be able to handle the difficulties that life throws at us. For instance, fear of being vulnerable and fear of failing stem from the fear of being unable to deal with either scenario should they actually happen.
So let’s now ask ourselves this question: would we still be afraid if we believed we could cope with most of life’s potential problems? The answer is generally no. We can therefore minimise our fears by having more faith in our ability to cope with these potential problems. With this attitude, we can overcome our fears internally without needing to control the external world. In short, try to adopt this mantra: ‘Whatever happens, I’ll deal with it.’
It’s not as bad as you think:
Another key thing to bear in mind is that most of our fears are totally out of proportion with the actual risks involved. For example, a fear of flying is ultimately a fear of death. Yet most people who refuse to set foot on an aeroplane will happily sit in a car for hours and hours even though statistically they’re 30 times more likely to die in that car! We might also resist asking someone for a favour for fear of what the other person might think, whereas data demonstrates that the average request receives a constructive and sympathetic reaction three times more than expected. People generally like to help people. Worries about being negatively judged are usually miscalculated, because in reality everyone is too preoccupied with what’s going on in their own lives to spend too much time thinking about yours.
Researchers have demonstrated that only 10 per cent of what we worry about actually happens; therefore, 90 per cent of our worries are a complete waste of time and mental energy. Statistically speaking, embracing a more positive outlook is seemingly a better predictor of future events. Also, positive thinking actually inspires us to go out into the world and make our own positive outcomes. Your life will always have challenging situations. Having a positive outlook doesn’t involve rejecting the reality of those situations, but it does provide us with the determination to tackle them head on.
If you consider yourself to be a fearful person, cast your mind back in time to provide a reality check. Complete this sentence: ‘I was courageous when I …’ You’ve most likely done some brave things in your life, and by reliving those moments, you will nurture and progress your bravery still further.
Tools for overcoming fear:
The next time you need to face a specific fear:
List all of the things that might cause a problem and guestimate the probability of each of those problems actually materialising. You will probably discover that many of your potential problems are either so small or so unlikely that there’s nothing to get overly stressed about.
Disconnect your emotional wellbeing from the consequences. Try to let go of any speculation around potential negative outcomes. If you simply cannot ignore these potential outcomes, then try not to care so much about them. Minimise their intensity. By removing your emotional wellbeing from the consequences, you reduce tension and feel more calm and composed.
Another technique you might like to employ is positive visualisation. Visualising yourself doing something that’s daunting and new, provides a steppingstone toward coping with any fears. If you run a mental movie of yourself doing something scary, your brain gets more familiar and comfortable with the idea. And more familiarity means less fear.
Prepare to fail – and succeed:
How often does fear make you avoid certain situations? Unfortunately this is counterproductive because avoidance serves only to reinforce the fears that hold you back. Suppose you’re in a social situation and want to meet someone you’re attracted to, but your fear of failure stops you from doing anything about it. The end result is the same as failure, except you haven’t even tried. It’s a wasted opportunity. Don’t allow too many good opportunities to pass you by, or you’ll live a life full of regret.
Many people fear that they won’t be accepted for who they are, and this fear prevents them from interacting with others. For example, when we see peers whose skills surpass our own, we might feel the urge to simply withdraw from the situation. Comparing yourself with the brightest and the best leads to loss of confidence in your abilities, so try to avoid comparing yourself to other people and just get stuck in and see what happens. We’re all on a different journey and we all have different strengths and weaknesses.
Fear of failure is a fear that crops up time and time again and if we’re not careful it can stop us before we’ve even started, so it’s vital that we challenge it head on. Trying new things will inevitably result in failure from time to time, but it’s a critical part of moving forward, so try embracing failure rather than avoiding it.
There are no wrong decisions:
Another major fear we have is that of making the wrong decisions in life. Rather than agonise over what might happen if we make the wrong choice, adopt the mindset that there are few incorrect decisions, just different ways to experience life. We need to be prepared to take risks and occasionally make some tough decisions. Every new adventure presents new life experiences, knowledge and feedback irrespective of the outcome.
For example, say you finally have a stab at karate after years of thinking about it. If it turns out that you don’t particularly enjoy people striking you with their hands and feet, then so be it – but you’ve made some new friends and learned more about karate. Maybe you find that you’d like to try judo or a similar new hobby. The point is: you need to make the decision to try.
Do something that scares you every day:
The more you face fear, the easier it gets. For example, say you’re an executive with a disabling fear of public speaking. Yet despite this, you force yourself to give speeches and presentations through sheer grit and determination. After your fifth presentation, you’ll be wondering what all the fuss was about!
The more you expose yourself to your fears, the fewer obstacles you’ll have that separate you from where you want to be, so make it a regular habit to push yourself beyond your comfort zone. As you address your fears and deal with them, one by one, there will be fewer and fewer fears to slow you down and your confidence will keep on growing. Eventually, they’ll be very little that scares you.
Live life to the maximum and be fully committed to everything and anything that is important to you. This will give you a robust, multifaceted foundation, so if one part of your life goes wrong, you will have the other parts to fall back on.
Fear of scarcity:
Do you think of yourself as a bighearted person who gives unconditionally? Or do you normally anticipate something in return? Most of us fall into the second category because we’re subconsciously worried about depriving ourselves – we fear scarcity. So how do we overcome this fear and become more generous? Try the following:
See how plentiful your life is. Understand how lucky you are to have so much. Write down everything that you like about your life and every day try to notice and appreciate the positive things that happen – even tiny things like the gentle kind-hearted smile of a passer-by.
Make a habit of giving. Give gratitude and time as well as money and possessions, and witness the magical effect it has on you and the world around you.
Push through the fear:
We’ve all come across people who appear to be courageous, confident risk takers. Here’s the thing: these people aren’t as fearless or courageous as you think! They’ve just found a way to recognise and deal with their fear. Fear is a normal and natural part of life that we all experience and we all need to face. Each time we deal positively with our fear we gain the confidence required to take on the next challenge.
Power pose:
Social psychologist and Harvard professor Amy Cuddy has performed research that suggests that those people who remain confident and calm in stressful situations had more of the ‘dominance’ hormone testosterone and less of the ‘stress’ hormone cortisol in their systems. She also conducted an experiment to discover whether changing body language could alter the levels of these hormones and therefore change the way people feel. Participants were asked to adopt a high-power pose or a low-power pose for two minutes and then asked how confident they felt. They also supplied a saliva sample so that their hormone levels could be measured.
Her results proved that adopting a high-power pose for two minutes did indeed raise testosterone and reduce cortisol levels, leaving participants reporting a stronger sense of confidence and reduced nervousness. Participants adopting a low-power pose reported the opposite feelings along with having lower testosterone and higher cortisol levels in their saliva. Similar experiments conducted in real life interview situations produced similar results.
Before you go into any stressful situation, find a private space and go into a high-power pose for two minutes A high-power pose involves standing tall with a straight, upright posture. Throw your shoulders back, hold your head high and smile. This will hopefully help you tweak your brain chemistry and make you feel a little more confident so you can present the best version of yourself. Good luck!
Remember… Everybody feels fear from time to time, but it’s not the fear that’s the big issue here; it’s how we handle the fear. Every time you move out of your comfort zone you’ll feel afraid. So go ahead and let yourself feel afraid and know that it’s okay because it means you’re asserting yourself and moving forward. In the words of the excellent author Susan Jeffers, ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway!’
